New job idea: Hotel Inspector

Having just stayed at Jammu Africa, I found the description on Booking.com slightly misleading. I wouldn’t want others to feel the same so I’ve taken the time to re-write it.I'm submitting this to Trip Advisor and booking as I type...

Jammu Africa Lodge, Brufut

Situated in the arse end of nowhere, don’t even consider to book with us unless you have a vehicle capable of finishing the Paris-Dakar rally and enjoy the remote - if slightly rapey – back alleys of Brufut.

Our apartments are equipped with air conditioning, which we won’t let you use as it’s ‘too expensive’ and ‘not for guests’ and ‘broken’. Obviously, it isn’t really broken, we are just tighter than a ducks arse and won’t let you have the remote even though you booked and paid for a room with air con. Don’t worry though, as we are so dedicated to customer service, after we’ve finished smoking indoors we will bring you a portable fan that is noisier than Dot Cottons tumbledrier full of dead cats.

During your nights stay at Jammu Africa, there will be an autistic child with a keyboard and a drum kit playing ‘choonz’ until 4am in the morning. We won’t warn you of this, or apologise. This is because we don’t care what you think.

We also boast facilities such as an oven, fridge, microwave and mosquito net. We’re just lying through our teeth here, they don’t exist. This is what is brilliant about the internet, you can pretend to be anything you want. I could join up to an internet dating site and pretend to be a girl, all I’d have to do is tuck my willy between my legs to give myself a mangina. This is all fine and dandy, but when a paying customer turns up they are surely to be disappointed when my lady garden isn’t as expected. Atleast I hope they’d be disappointed. If they’re not I must be giving off the wrong signals. One of my friends met a girl through the internet and she pissed on him when they were playing hide the sausage. I wouldn’t like that.

At Jammu Africa you can enjoy food and drinks from our restaurant. We serve all our dishes with a metric-fuck-tonne of salt, in the hope that you will buy drinks from us before you shrivel up and die. Usually, we only have eggs. So you can have a wide variety of dishes such as eggs and salt, or omelette and salt, or eggs, chips. And salt.

As we are located miles from anywhere, we offer a shuttle service in one of our fleet of tired vehicles. However, we don’t like to take you where you actually want to go, because it’s ‘too far’ and we are, naturally, lazy Spanish imbeciles. When we have kept you waiting long enough, our vehicle will break down. We think this happens because our driver does not wash and the B.O. fumes choke the engine, but we’re too lazy to find out for sure.

You can enjoy us talking to our maid like she is dirt, this makes us feel big and clever. Despite the fact that she is the only member of staff that does anything, I may look fifteen and have pubic hair sporadically growing out of my face, but I boss her around to make myself feel better.

We hope you enjoy your stay.